The REAL Election 2000
by Mister Kerr
Summary: Forget Al Gore and George Dubya. I would've paid much more attention to politics had this happened in November.


The REAL Election 2000  
  
(studio)  
  
Stan Blather: This is Stan Blather, with the live coverage of   
Election 2000. It looks to be a close race tonight between the two   
presidential candidates: Chip Maplewood of the Acorn party and Dale   
Oakmont of the Nuthead party. The two have been neck-and-neck in the   
polls, and tonight will no doubt prove to be no exception.  
  
Color Commentator 1:It's interesting to see the nip-and-tuck   
race these two have had over the past few months. Maplewood's   
popularity between both genders in the middle class soared when his   
running mate Gadget Hackwrench was announced back in June, but   
Oakmont has been putting in a strong race as well. His running mate,   
Monterey Jack, has not proved to be a boon to his ticket but not a   
detriment either.  
  
Color Commentator 2:That's right. Oakmont has been running his   
campaign on the character issue. There has been hardly any   
mud-slinging coming from the Nuthead party, as Dale seems to be   
running purely on his connection with the people. He seems to have a   
strong connection with the blue-collar American, which will no doubt   
strengthen him in the polls tonight.  
  
Color Commentator 1:Maplewood's campaign has been strong as   
well. He knows the issues very well and has some excellent leadership   
qualities, but he can't make that same connection with the average   
American that Oakmont has managed to pull off in this election year.  
  
Blather: The polls have just closed on the East Coast.   
Maplewood has taken most of New England with the exception of New   
Hampshire, which goes to Oakmont. Maplewood also nets New York, New   
Jersey, and Maryland, but Pennsylvania, with its 23 electoral votes   
is still in the undecided column. Oakmont comes away with New   
Hampshire, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and   
Florida. We go now to our field reporter Tom Broken, who is at the  
Acorn party headquarters at City Park right now.  
  
(Acorn party HQ. Several supporters are in the background,   
cheering and carrying signs that say "Maplewood 2000. He knows what   
he's doing.")  
  
Broken: Spirits are very optimistic here at the Acorn party   
headquarters as Maplewood and Hackwrench gave an encouragement speech   
to a large crowd here tonight.  
  
(earlier footage. Chip and Gadget on hangar ledge of RR tree)  
  
Chip: We feel tonight that we have connected with the people   
here tonight and we will continue to do so with the entire country. I   
have led a strong campaign through these past months and I know that   
with the support of our American people we can win this election and   
retain the Acorn party control of our presidency, which has kept the   
crime rate low these past years and will continue to do so!  
  
Gadget: Golly! It's great that all of you came out here   
tonight and are just getting involved! If Chip and I are elected,   
we'll make sure this country works great with no problems!  
  
(Wild cheers from crowd)  
  
Gadget(barely audible amidst cheers):Well, at least we should   
be able to run this country with no problems.  
  
(Chip gives Gadget a slightly nervous look)  
  
(live)  
  
Broken: Maplewood has raised spirits high tonight and the   
party is confident, especially after the wins in the crucial states   
of New York and Florida. I have here with me an Acorn party supporter.   
Ma'am, how do you feel about the direction this election has taken so   
far?  
  
Tammy: Oh, I know that Chipper can pull through. He's so brave   
and strong and heroic. . .(she gets a dreamy look in her eyes)  
  
Broken: There you have it. Confidence is high here at the   
Acorn party headquarters on this election night. Back to the studio.  
  
(studio)  
  
Blather: Thank you, Tom. An update on the situation:   
Pennsylvania has been placed in the Maplewood category. However, due   
to some faulty computer information in Florida, it has been pulled   
back into the undecided category. For as we all know: to err is   
human, but to really screw up requires a computer.  
  
Color Commentator 1:It's interesting to note that even though   
Maplewood appears to be currently ahead, his campaign tactics have   
been less than scrupulous. From Chip's superior attitude to Dale, to   
his slogan "He knows what he's doing," to the infamous debate a few   
weeks ago when Maplewood bonked Oakmont over the head, it's clear   
that Maplewood is displaying himself as a more qualified candidate,   
but also one that will stop at nearly nothing short of illegal to   
cement his place as the next president.  
  
Color Commentator 2:Oakmont's campaign has been relatively   
clean, with his current slogan "Oakmont and Jack. A gouda choice for   
the White House." and his down-to-earth fun-loving nature, something   
that Maplewood is lacking. Oakmont has also praised Maplewood highly,   
only criticizing him in the debates for not understanding the true   
feelings of the American working class.  
  
Color Commentator 1:Oakmont's debates have helped boost his   
popularity in the polls immensely. Due to negative campaign ads by   
the Acorn party showing Oakmont as a "goof-up" and a "lazy slacker,"   
Maplewood's popularity was high until the debates, where Oakmont   
showed a calm, cool exterior with a real grasp of the American people.   
However, none of us can forget the night of the third debate, when   
the question was asked about Miss Hackwrench's decision to join the   
Maplewood campaign, rejecting Oakmont's previous offer. I've never   
seen two candidates talk so fast and unintelligibly before.  
  
Color Commentator 2:Speaking of the vice presidential   
candidates, they may be what wins the election for Maplewood. The   
vice-presidential debate was clearly won by Miss Hackwrench, and the   
disclosure in August about Mr. Jack's "Desiree DeLure" scandal hasn't   
improved opinions much regarding the Nuthead party.  
  
Color Commentator 1:The only problem with the Acorn vice   
presidential candidate is the same one as the presidential candidate.   
They seem to be very out-of-touch with the average American citizen.   
During the debate Miss Hackwrench showed a clear understanding of   
the issues, but seemed to be distracted, especially when she started   
explaining the friction coefficients of the national deficit. The   
entire audience was confused, but Mr. Jack took it all in stride.  
  
Blather: We now go live to the Nuthead party headquarters at   
the comic book store downtown with our field reporter Petey Tennings.  
  
(comic book store. Several people in the background waving   
"Oakmont and Jack. A gouda choice" signs)  
  
Tennings: Thank you Stan. Despite early results showing the   
Maplewood party in the lead, spirits are still running high at the   
Nuthead party headquarters. The optimistic, easygoing style of   
Oakmont's entire campaign seems to be prevalent here tonight. I have   
with me a Nuthead party supporter. Do you think Oakmont has a shot   
even after results show Maplewood in the lead?  
  
Zipper:Bzz bzz bzz bz bz bzzz! Bzz bzz bz bzzzz bzzbzz bzzzz   
bz bzz bzzz bzz, bz bzz bzz bz.  
  
Tennings: There you have it. Truer words have never been   
spoken about the spirit here at the Oakmont campaign tonight. We also   
have some footage of an earlier speech given by Oakmont.  
  
(earlier footage. Dale and Monty are on the roof of the comic   
book store.)  
  
Dale: Wowie-Zowie! This has been a great couple o' months,   
hasn't it? You guys are great! Just like in the Red Badger of Courage   
episode 14, where the Badger buddies combine to stop the evil Dr.   
Breathmint, who was selling Dementos to the entire city, which were   
like Mentos but instead of being the freshmaker, they were the   
MMPH!--  
  
(Monty clasps his hand over Dale's mouth)  
  
Monty: What me lit'le pallie's trying to say here tonight is   
that 'e couldn'a done this without your support.  
  
Dale: That's right, Monterey. And I promise that once we get   
in the White House, we'll have someone in there that knows what you   
want! The comic book stores will be tax exempt! The tariffs will be   
lowered on chocolate imports! And there will be parties on the White   
House lawn every Saturday for those who bring me new Iron Goose CDs!  
  
(Wild cheers from the crowd)  
  
(live)  
  
Tennings: Oakmont's wacky spirit has enraptured the audience   
here tonight, and this race is far from over. Back to you in the   
studio.  
  
(studio)  
  
Blather: Thank you, Petey. Ohio has joined the Oakmont   
category. With its 21 electoral votes Oakmont has made a large   
comeback. We await the polls to close in the Central Time Zone in a   
few minutes. This is Stan Blather for our election 2000 coverage, and   
we'll be back after these messages.  



End file.
